Crystal Meatballs and Turgenev's Dumpster: The last-minute Mom of No Rank gift guide!

Whether you like possum flavor or pickle cheesecake, there's something for everyone!

It was really, really easy to make these look like they were printed in a 1950s magazine ad.

With only a few days before Christmas, a lot of us are looking to fill some gaps in our giving lists. All out of ideas? Whether you’re looking for old or new, good taste or bad, Mom of No Rank has you covered!

One of my most popular pieces last year was a ranking of all 13 flavors of Archie McPhee’s disgusting candy canes, but it’s out of date — there are 3 new hideous flavors! I ordered them weeks ago for just this occasion. Let’s taste!

Dante’s Inferno, Gravy, and Possum: They’re not all Dante’s but they are all from the 7th level of hell.

I feel the need to start with the easy one: Dante’s Inferno. (Since I brought up hell in my review of the previous flavors, I’m taking credit for these.) There’s a venomous look to them, scorching red with a yellowing parchment stripe. The package says “mildly spicy”, and that’s true, relatively speaking, but I think a lot of kids would find it too hot. I expected an extra-peppered peppermint, but the flavor is just sweet and cayenne-ish, no mint at all. I really like these, and they would make a fun ingredient. I have plans to crush some up for a cinnamon chocolate bark, but they’d also be great in these cookies from The Salty Marshmallow.

Next: Gravy. I adore the back of the package on this one.

Just like Grandma used to make!

These are a beautiful, bright white wrapped with chocolate brown, but they smell like Ladies’ Night at the Nitrates ‘R’ Us. They do taste like gravy, but not exactly homemade gravy. It’s more like someone peeled the skin that dried on top of the vat that’s been sitting on the school cafeteria steam table since last Thursday, and rolled it into Rasputin’s favorite stocking stuffer.

Finally, because it’s the only one left and nothing matters any more, the Possum. First of all, the colors are truly inspired — pinky red and a disorienting, translucent gray, like the sparse hairs on the namesakes’s tail. I know you don’t really care about what they look like, though. I can practically hear you all wondering what they taste like.

Y’all. This is hard to describe, but I’m gonna give it my best shot: they taste like having a conversation about the philosophical tenets of nihilsim with Turgenev’s dumpster.

It tastes like some kind of cooked meat, but it smells like roadkill. Now, before tasting this, I would have told you I’d never had possum, but I have to admit it’s familiar, in the way Night of the Living Dead might remind you of a particularly disturbing nightmare. Archie’s says it’s “porky”, but growing up in Cajun country, I always heard people say it had a flavor that wasn’t gamey exactly, but still somehow reminiscent of byproducts and detritus, like catfish mixed with very fatty bologna. I had a lot of bowls of gumbo of indeterminate origin over the years. Perhaps I indulged unawares?

I’ll have no trouble waiting up to catch a peek at Santa, because that thought is going to keep me up at night for weeks.

Archie’s Bad Candy Canes section is an absolute delight, and perfect for something everyone can share a laugh about. I mean, there might also be some crying, but it’s worth it.

If no one on your list is naughty, maybe you’d like to give a nice cookbook instead? Here are three that I dearly loved this year.

Made in Taiwan, by Clarissa Wei, is a gorgeous, fascinating cookbook about an overlooked cuisine with a character all its own. In part it’s a travel book, but one that’s so much better than the usual, almost like you’re breathing the air there. The recipes somehow feel both personal and connected to the wider world — a pretty neat trick. I always love it when I pick up a book and have never heard of most of the recipes, so I was thrilled by things like Crystal Meatballs and Tang Yuan dumplings, but happily, you can get most of the ingredients in a major city or online, and it’s worth doing. Trying out an unfamiliar food tradition can feel difficult to get right, but with the uncommonly good chef’s tips and absolutely transcendent photos, you’ll feel confident in at least giving them a whirl. If you loved Anthony Bourdain, or you like reading techniques that really help you get a recipe right, extra bright, this cookbook is for you.

You can check out my profile of Baking Yesteryear by B. Dylan Hollis from earlier this year on TODAY.com, but I want to give it another plug. His TikTok persona is kind of like a cross between Yosemite Sam and Ren the Chihuaha, but that’s just scratching the surface of a deep old soul. He comes through with more depth in this cookbook, and although there’s a section of “best of the worst”, most of the recipes are really good, things that have been forgotten and deserve another round. There’s a whole chapter on dates, but most are arranged by decade. I’m still baking my way through it, but the Potato Chip Cookies and Kiskadee Fantasy are must-tries in my opinion. It’s funny of course, but it’s also full of love for the time, and I’m so impressed with the recipes he chose. If you love baking, or love all things vintage, or are vintage yourself, you’ll love this one.

Veg-Table, by Nik Sharma, might be my top pick this year. It’s not totally vegetarian, but it’s obviously centered on plants, so if you’re bored with your usual, or even if you’re still working on enjoying vegetables, I hope you give this one a look. It’s creative but accessible, and my favorite thing about it is that it’s arranged by botanical family. A lot of what you need to know about cooking techniques and flavor pairings is most heavily influenced by the type of vegetable it is, and this book is like that class you took in college because it fit in your schedule and fulfilled that last requirement, and then you were surprised to find the professor was the best you ever had. You just might change your major, even if you still minor in chili dogs.

Or possum gumbo.

RD’s transparency note: Nothing here is an ad. I ordered Baking Yesteryear and Veg-Table myself, and received a promotional copy of Made in Taiwan without any promise to review. I just happened to love it, and Clarissa Wei is awesome — you should follow her. Links to the books are for IndieBound, where you can order online to benefit a bookseller near you. I have no agreement or promotional relationship with them; I just like the mission. You can also get all three of them through Target in time for Christmas, but I hope you check independent sellers near you first.

I also ordered the candy canes myself. Obviously the candy is not healthy, but that’s okay — you won’t be able to eat them anyway! Archie McPhee is still delivering by Christmas with rush shipping as of 12/17/23, but you can also get them in many independent toy stores and a few weird bookstores, or their flagship store in Seattle.