Moist Lettuce Bars: Vintage Recipe Roulette

Diner salad bar gone awry, or inadvisable cookie?

I’m a big fan of June Cleaver’s Closet — she goes beyond even my historical Jell-O tableaus by also appearing in vintage clothing — and the other day, she posted a real doozy, Moist Lettuce Bars.

Why.

Whyyyyyyyy.

Even leaving aside the fact that the title contains the worst word in the English language, lettuce hardly seems worth including, does it? There’s no source listed, and I can’t find one online, either, so I can’t say for sure, but I’m guessing this recipe was meant to use leftover lettuce, during a time when you just didn’t waste food. I thought maybe a 1950s timestamp since “moist” was a huge cake buzzword and not a horrifying warning at the time, but even after searching old newspaper databases, the only similar one I could find was from a 1981 Cuisinart cookbook, for Spiced Lettuce Cake Bars. (It adds vanilla and raisins, and cream cheese to the icing. I’m not sure whether that would make these better or worse.) As luck would have it, I have some leftover lettuce from last night’s dinner salad. Let’s get chopping!

It doesn’t specify the kind of lettuce, so it’s tempting to guess iceberg, but it depends on the recipe origin. A lot of victory gardens used loose leaf lettuces, and Swiss Chard was a near-universal. I have Romaine, and in vintage recipe tradition, I’m going to use what I have. It’s a little bit more nutritious, and it should function similarly in this recipe. I’m also going to take this opportunity to introduce you to one of my nutrition tips — using white whole wheat flour for baking.

The flour shown is King Arthur’s Soft White Whole Wheat. It’s very finely milled, and I’m using half that and half all purpose flour for this recipe*, but I often find I can get away with all whole wheat in recipes like cornbread, oatmeal cookies, and sandwich bread, especially if I add an extra tablespoon or two of liquid. I’m skimping on the sugar the way I do routinely in baked goods (this is 3/4 c) and also subbing in pumpkin seeds for walnuts because one of the people I often cook for has a nut allergy, and I’ve got a variegated pink lemon today. Lastly, I’m using nutmeg instead of mace, which I just don’t keep around — mace is the seed coat around the nutmeg seed, and although it doesn’t taste exactly the same, it is reminiscent. Enraged about all the substitutions? I don’t care. I’m the one who has to eat this. But you can also see the note below for some of the rationale.

This recipe is really weird from a food science perspective, even apart from the lettuce. It starts out kind of like shortbread does, where you coat the flour particles with the fat to reduce gluten formation. This should yield a crumbly texture, because gluten is what does a lot of the binding, and that’s a little bit unusual for a standard cookie bar recipe, where the egg is mixed with the fat before adding the flour last. It really does affect texture, so I’m already on alert for a product that doesn’t hold together well. The only liquid here is egg, but I did add 1 T of water to account for the part whole wheat, and you add that last.

The batter is weird and reminds me of an old Betty Crocker recipe for a piecrust that you just pat into the pie tin instead of rolling it. It’s really convenient, and it works well flavor-wise with whole wheat for vegetable quiche, but it’s odd and crumbly, and I’m not at all sure this is going to work as a pastry bar. It’s a very thin layer in a 9x13 pan, and it’s hard to coax it out into the corners. It does say “turn in” to the pan, and not pour, and that’s accurate. It’s almost like cookie dough, but since it’s liquid oil instead of butter, it has a disturbing oily sheen.

Plus, there’s lettuce in it.

But, it looks fine after baking, something like zucchini bread. Time to ice! This is a standard powdered sugar glaze icing, but I haaaaaate lemon extract, so I doubled the zested rind and used lemon juice instead of milk, and it forms a lovely coating on top that hardens just a bit with standing. It’s not crunchy since there’s butter in it, but it also doesn’t move much once it cools. And it looks nice!

Plus, it covers up the lettuce.

How do they taste? They’re not bad, and you can’t taste the lettuce at all, but I think it did add some moisture. Not enough, though. Due to the order of the ingredients, the texture is weird, sort of inherently stale. You know the way stale cake gets dry, and crunchy cookies get soft? It’s like that, something of a disappointment…at first.

In wondering how to rescue this regrettable recipe, I started thinking about replacing some of the oil with canned pumpkin. Then I started thinking about how pumpkin or banana breads are okay the first day, but way way better on the second day. So, I let these sit, and to my surprise, they’re actually pretty nice on day 2. I think they need more ginger, and I might add a 1/2 tsp of cinnamon, and I still think they would be better if you mixed the wet and dry ingredients separately, and then combined, as is standard for a cookie or cake bar.

I think you probably could put spinach, Swiss Chard, and maybe even half kale in this recipe. Why would you do that? Well, this can be a friendly handshake with greens if those are difficult for you, or for your kids. Maybe start out with just adding 1/2 c, and chop it really finely. Maybe don’t skimp on the sugar right out of the gate, but instead see how low you can go, keeping in mind that sugar is part of the structure of cake. Don’t discount the nutritional value of even a smidge of greens, or the value of building tolerance to seeing flakes of green if you can’t handle a big bowl of them.

But, this recipe is more than just a sneaky greens plan. It’s also a reminder that resources are precious. Slowly getting in the habit of peeking in the pantry and veggie drawer before you start cooking dinner can help you learn ways to use what you already have before it rots in sodden (or should I say moist?) resignation. That’s good for you, easy on the wallet, better for the planet.

What’s next? Soy sauce in cookies? Beets on pizza? Only time will tell.

*Recipe substitutions made by a trained registered dietitian on a closed course. Do not attempt at home.

…Well, actually, feel free to attempt at home; just keep a frozen pizza in the fridge in case of spontaneous combustion. As an RD, I’ve had training and experience in food science and recipe modification. You can’t just sub in whatever you want without understanding what an ingredient does in terms of structure as well as flavor. Part of the reason I write this stuff is to get these tips out there to help you improve your nutrition, maybe by taking recipes you already love and just tweaking them a bit. Somebody on social media is definitely going to complain that I’ve changed the recipe when reviewing it, and I agree that’s most of what’s wrong with the comments on recipe websites (one of my favorites is this one, in which a person left a bad recipe review after they subbed kale for carrots in *checks notes* carrot cake). But, I thought this recipe had enough potential that I might actually eat it as an afternoon snack, so I made some of those nutritional modifications. I’m glad I did, and I hope you try one or two things I’ve mentioned here.

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