Heaven Help Me: I made a Baja Blast®-Inspired Pie

Instagram made me do it.

It’s been all over social media this week: the Taco Bell Baja Blast® Pie.

Alas, the announcement (from Las Vegas, naturally) that included this photo of things Taco Bell has been working on in its top-secret blast-shielded research lab was actually about the Baja Blast® Gelato that will be enjoying broader distribution after its limited test market release last year. The pie does not currently have a release date.

I can’t stop thinking about this godforsaken dessert and why it isn’t part of the lineup already. Is it not ready for prime time? Are the flavors unbalanced, the filling unstable? Or, more likely, are we not ready for it? Perhaps its majesty would be wasted on us until civilization has progressed beyond the current confines of the human mind. The otherworldly aqua haunts my dreams. It cuts so cleanly, shines so proudly, standing at attention like Galadriel at the Rivendell gate.

“Come at me, bro,” it seems to say. “You can’t handle the truth.”

Careful analysis of the alien autopsy photo appears to reveal a graham cracker crust with a custard-style filling. Cinnamon in the crust would be on-brand for Taco Bell, but in this case I’m guessing it’s plain graham to avoid outshining the fililng. I’ve chosen Teddy Grahams and an aluminum tin for that extra level of nihilism.

The filling could be cheesecake-like given the opacity, but it looks a bit too smooth for that. Fortunately, I know of a perfect scratch pudding recipe that would result in a silky, luscious filling. It’s full of wholesome and natural ingredients like milk and egg yolks, with a vanilla flavor that blooms like a delicate flower on the palate.

It’s totally wrong for this pie.

What we need is big and bold, unnatural — a stiff plastic bouquet of flavor. We need a custard base devoid of nutritional value, color, and flavor so that it doesn’t undercut the, you know…turquoise. What we need, friends, is cornstarch.

There is a Mountain Dew Baja Blast® available bottled, but the flavor is alleged to have originated by mixing regular Mountain Dew and either blue Gatorade or Powerade. A lot of people say it’s half and half, but most say it’s more Dew than -ade. I have a feeling this recipe could be one for the ages, but Baja Blast® flavor comes and goes, and we don’t need the carbonation, so I’m writing the instructions using ingredients more widely available. I’m also hoping it will result in a deeper color.

Now to figure out ratios. The original Jell-O Pudding and Pie Filling recipes give instructions to use 2 boxes and 2 3/4 c of milk for a full catastrophe pudding pie like this, with no meringue topping. I’m using all 20 oz. of the Dew plus 12 oz. of the Powerade, and then boiling it down to reduce by about a third to concentrate the flavor, color, and mmmmm…corn syrup. With my registered dietitian superpowers, I know I’ll need about 4 T of cornstarch needed to thicken that volume for pie, and I’ll use another 4 oz of Powerade to slurry that in for boiling.

Once it’s thickened, it proves to be a lot more translucent than the Taco Bell photo, so I’m adding about 2 oz. of softened cream cheese by adding some of the hot Dew pudding to thin, and then mixing it in the whole batch. It tastes the way I planned, but I added a drop each of blue and yellow food coloring to punch the color up to the standards of the photo. After filling, it just needs several hours chilling in the fridge to solidify its filling.

I’ll need at least that long to solidify my courage.

And at last, here it is. I thought long and hard about the garnish, but in the end, I decided the whipped cream shown in the promo photo is the best bet. You can’t put anything like real fruit on this toothpaste-looking masterpiece!

I’m so proud of how cleanly the filling slices, angles sharp in the harsh light of an angry sun. Is that a cracked crust you spy? Of course it is. This pie will break anyone.

I know some of you are thinking, wait a minute…why is this photographed in front of a hand-painted Moroccan tagine? That doesn’t have anything to do with Mexico! You’re absolutely right. But this pie doesn’t have anything to do with Mexico, either.

And now, the taste test: Even with the concentrated soda, the flavor is milder than it was when warm. The honey in the crust is the more prominent note at first, and I suggest trying plain shortbread crumb crust if you make this, which you absolutely should not. But, the Baja does Blast you in the tongue eventually, particularly in the low notes and aftertaste. The texture is as befits this monument to Big Corn: weird and bouncy. It might actually need more cream cheese? More concentrated soda? That could cause problems with gelling if the pH gets too low, but it’s worth a try if I make this again…

which I definitely will not.

But here’s the recipe as described here if you, like me, just can’t resist.

Baja Blast®-Inspired Pie

1 store-bought graham cracker crust, or 1 1/2 c crunchy cookie crumbs (plain is best) mixed with 1/4 c granulated sugar and 6 T butter or vegan margarine, pressed into a pie tin, and baked at 350 degrees for 10 minutes.

Filling:

20 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew and 12 oz. blue Gatorade or Powerade, simmered until reduced to about 20 oz. ( 2 1/2 c), and cooled to warm

4 T cornstarch mixed with 4 oz. blue Gatorade or Powerade

2 oz. cream cheese, softened (if you’re vegan, I think Philadelphia plant-based or Tofutti would work, but you might need to blitz it in a food processor with a little of the filling before mixing into the whole batch)

Mix the cornstarch and ade slurry with the cooled reduced soda and bring to a boil until thickened and translucent. You should be able to coat the back of a spoon and see a warped reflection of the person you’ve become on the surface. Stir a tablespoon of the hot mixture into the softened cream cheese until smooth, and then gradually stir in another few tablespoons to thin considerably, like your remaining dignity, before adding back to the filling. Mix thoroughly, adding a drop each of blue and yellow food coloring if desired. Pour into prepared crust and chill at least 4 hours, covered so that the heavens may not witness your shame.

Garnish as desired, serve with hesitation. Makes 8 servings.