Vintage Recipe Roulette: 1987 Unholy Mackerel

This unfortunate plaster on a platter is brought to you by...JC Penny?

I got this cookbook in a lot of vintage beauties from Etsy or some such, but at the time, I was much more interested in the community ones (like the upcoming Niangua First Baptist church cookbook, which despite its downhome, salt-of-the-earth origins has font from Tron and cuisine from outer space…), and I somehow did not notice that this cookbook is from noted recipe denizen…

JC Penny?

Yep. Before the internet, new recipes didn’t grow on laptops trees. You got them from friends and family, the newspaper and magazines, food packages, and cookbooks. This kind of cookbook used to be compiled in order to reassure people that they would be able to use whatever newfangled must-haves the sponsoring company was selling, such as microwaves and microwave-safe cookware. Ceramic cookware existed before of course, and in fact it is older as human tool than metalware, but as microwaves got more common, glass and ceramic stuff had a resurgence in popularity. And the microwave-safe plastic absolutely ballooned. Enter the cookbook of new ideas and familiar weirdness! And of course, its accompanying assortment of corporate brand marketing tie-ins.

As far as I remember, you couldn’t buy cans of Chef Boyardee in JC Penny in the 1980s, but you could buy the round pan you needed to make the modern wonder pictured bottom left, Roller Coaster Ring Around, which is a loaf made from 2 cans of Chef Boyardee Roller Coasters (mini lasagna noodles) with Meatballs, milk, eggs, and onions.

I wanted to make it for you, really I didn't, but alas, I am allergic to one of the ingredients. So, you’ll have to content yourselves with canned mackerel loaf!

Now, I don’t want to dissuade you from trying mackerel. It’s high in those omega-3s we RDs always want you to get, and it’s generally milder and sweeter than tuna. It’s not bad, I promise, at least not for canned fish. But baked in what I’m concerned is going to turn out to be gherkin custard? Uh oh, spaghettios.

Here are the ingredients, alas.

I’m using King Oscar brand, another that’s been around since olden cookbook days, because Eatwell is no longer available — as far as I can tell, it was a sub-label of the early 20th century French Sardine Company brand, which eventually morphed into Starkist, and you can see a very interesting history of the label here, from the Museum of Modern Art in Wakayama, Japan.

My only comfort is that I’m only making about 1/4 the recipe. I’ve already made the basic white sauce that the cookbook assumes any idiot would know how to do because that’s what the 20th century was like, and no, I didn’t have to look it up, but I’m a food and nutrition professional. There’s no shame in googling if you want to make it! It’s super easy and a great basic recipe to try since you can use it instead of things like that disgusting condensed soup from last week. I always add a pinch of nutmeg.

Here’s everything ready for the fish to be flaked and added. On the one hand, it smells like canned fish in here, but on the other hand, my fish-obsessed cat slept through it, so it can’t be as bad as tuna. I find the amount of pickle relish frankly outrageous.

I’ve pressed everything into my parchment-lined and oiled dish, and the obvious wetness of it is not encouraging. Neither is the smell.

Once baked, it smells a little better, but not much. And it’s drier, but still ugh…moist.

I’ve plated it up, absurd garnishes included, with the most mid-century salad I can think of, a wedge with Thousand Island dressing, plus some quick dilled cucumber. Oily fish really needs something green and raw to cut through the heaviness. Wish me luck.

Well, if you like crab cakes but wish they didn’t have that delightfully golden, crunchy exterior, this is the recipe for you. The mackerel is sweeter than tuna would be, but with the pickle relish, this is weird. And although it’s not custard, it is very mushy, as though someone mixed a can of tuna into some papier mache. The sauce is very heavy for the already heavy texture especially in the amount you’re expected to put on there, although if it were breaded it would feel more appropriate.

You could cut the pickle in half, make this amount into 2 patties, coat with panko and shallow pan fry, and it would be better. Or, made with leftover fresh or frozen fish, it might even be pretty good. As it is, it’s a great source of those heart-healthy fats, has lots of protein, and is very easy to make. It’s not completely hideous.

But it mostly is.

Need food first, picky eater-friendly, non-judgmental help with nutrition? You can schedule an appointment with me through Nourish here. I see lots of diabetes, neurodivergence, allergies and GI conditions, autoimmune and inflammatory disorders, and weight management whether for increase or decrease — adults, teens, and kids. We take most insurance, and most often, the copay is $0.

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